


I Feel Good

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [6]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Canon Trans Character, Davenzi, Druck Boy Squad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Platonic Relationships, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, autistic author, autistic headcanon, autistic!matteo, basically just Matteo and all his friendships, druck girl squad, matteo/amira friendship, matteo/hanna friendship, matteo/jonas friendship, mentions of depression, mostly season 4 canon with a few minor divergences, references to Dienstag 14:11, self diagnosed autism, sensory friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 13:22:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20489576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: “Yeah this is going to be so great,” Matteo said, shaking his head and looking up at nothing in particular. “Like, the lights are dim and the music is quiet and it’s just going to be a chill night with the people I actually want to spend time with. I’m just so excited to have a party where I’m not going to have a sensory overload panic attack thing halfway through and have to fucking leave and have you come after me.”“Hey, but if that does happen, it’s okay,” David said, gently rubbing his hands along Matteo’s lower back as Matteo brought his eyes back down to David’s. “Everyone will be understanding. And we’ll do what we always do.”~or~A few weeks after coming out as autistic on Instagram, Matteo has the whole crew over for a sensory-friendly birthday party.





	I Feel Good

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to part 6 of What Is It Exactly! 
> 
> This part is sort of like a season finale, so I really hope you enjoy it! (more about that in the endnotes)
> 
> As always, I am dyslexic and autistic, but not trans.
> 
> The title is from “I Feel Alright” by Bonzai (I also snuck in a lyric from this song into a line of dialogue because I seriously love this song and it fits so well.) 
> 
> Enjoy!

With 20 minutes left until the guests were scheduled to arrive and everything just about ready to go, Matteo and David reentered the kitchen still a little high on love from the private moment they had just shared in Matteo’s room. Nonetheless, Matteo couldn’t help but express a different kind of passion when he heard quiet music pouring through the flatshare.

“I am so fucking excited for this party,” Matteo said, only realizing how loud he was when David turned to look back at him as they walked. Even though he knew David didn’t mind the sudden lack of volume control, he softened his voice as they stopped to stand across from each other by the table. “It’s just been a really up and down month for both of us with you starting school and me adjusting—”

“Yeah, but you’re doing really well adjusting,” David said, wrapping his arms around Matteo’s waist. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“Well, I’m proud of you too,” Matteo said, bringing his arms up to rest on David’s shoulders. “Film school is such a big deal.”

“But so is taking care of yourself and planning a sensory-friendly birthday party,” David said. 

“Yeah this is going to be so great,” Matteo said, shaking his head and looking up at nothing in particular. “Like, the lights are dim and the music is quite and it’s just going to be a chill night with the people I actually want to spend time with. I’m just so excited to have a party where I’m not going to have a sensory overload panic attack thing halfway through and have to fucking leave and have you come after me.”

“Hey, but if that does happen, it’s okay,” David said, gently rubbing his hands along Matteo’s lower back as Matteo brought his eyes back down to David’s. “Everyone will be understanding. And we’ll do what we always do.”

“God, you’re the best,” Matteo said, pulling David closer and slowly leaning in to kiss him.

“No, you,” David mumbled in a rare shy moment, letting Matteo pull him in just as much as he pulled Matteo towards himself. 

Almost to David’s lips, Matteo muttered, “Eh, we can share the title,” before kissing him, losing his breath as the kiss quickly went from innocent to intense. 

Eventually, though, the doorbell rang, and David came back to his scenes, pulling away. 

“There is someone at the door,” David said, as Matteo sighed a little, pressing their foreheads together.

Matteo groaned, knowing that he needed to answer the door since he was the host, but refusing to move as he spoke. “Yeah, but you’re right here.”

“Are we going to do this all night?” David asked, his sly smile coloring his voice. 

“What?” Matteo asked, grinning deviously. 

“Be the annoying couple that won’t take their hands off each other,” David said. 

“Maybe...” Matteo said, leaning back in, their noses brushing, before he felt David’s hands disappear from his waist and reappear on his chest, pushing him away. 

“Go let Jonas in,” David demanded warmly, Matteo chuckling as he stumbled backwards and quickly regained his footing.

“How do you know it’s Jonas?” he asked, walking towards the front door, looking back at David. 

“Because I’m a goddamn genius,” David said, turning to face Matteo and putting his hand on his hip. “You tell me that like 5 times a week.”

Matteo just shook his head and flipped David off as he turned away from him. The affectionate giggle he heard behind him almost caused him to run into the doorframe, but he caught himself and processed to open the front door without injuring himself. 

Sure enough, it was Jonas, who came with two cases of beer and just as much enthusiasm for the impending party as Matteo, if not more. 

“Dude, I am so excited that we finally get to throw you a party that you can actually enjoy,” Jonas said, handing Matteo and David each a beer once he was settled in the kitchen. “Like when I told you I wanted to make things right and support you, this is exactly what I was talking about.”

Matteo smiled, remembering how Jonas had said both those things three weeks earlier when he and Matteo meet at Görlitzer Park for the third time. 

“Should we go to our usual spot?” Jonas had asked, as they entered the park 

“Actually, I was thinking maybe we could just, like, walk around?” Matteo said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of David’s sweatshirt, but removing one hand to scratch the itch he suddenly felt on his nose. “I’m just feeling kind of restless.”

“Sure, no problem,” Jonas said, looking to Matteo, concern evident on his face. “Hey, I don’t want you to feel so nervous about this. I just want to talk and make it right, okay?”

“Okay,” Matteo said, hand entering the pocket again. His ear was a bit itchy now, but he fought the urge, too focused on how to proceed. He had so much he wanted to say, and he knew exactly how to say it, but how was this supposed to start?

“So, let me start off by saying sorry,” Jonas said. “Luigi, man, I am so sorry. When you told me what you had figured out, I didn’t know how to react. It’s just that you’re my best friend and I thought I knew you really well. And I thought I knew what it meant to have autism. But clearly, I didn’t know you or autism well enough to understand that you are autistic.” 

“Well, thank you, but—” Matteo started and stopped, unsure how critical to be of his much-appreciated apology. 

“Please, just let me have it, okay,” Jonas said, the look of genuine effort on his face giving Matteo the courage to try to be as honest as possible. 

“Well, no one that I’ve told has had that much knowledge about autism,” Matteo said, looking in Jonas’s direction as he spoke. “Like, we have all learned the same misconceptions. And no one else really saw it coming, either, besides David. But you were the only one who didn’t, like—” Matteo stopped himself again before he convinced himself that he just had to say it. “You’re the only one who made me feel like shit.”

“Matteo, I am so sorry,” Jonas said. “I wasn’t trying to, and when David told me—”

“And that’s another thing,” Matteo said. Whatever was holding him back was gone now. “You went to David. Not to me. And that really hurt too. And I was already really upset with you because you said a lot of things that were wrong, and, it wasn’t just that you were wrong, it was that those wrong things really hit this deep part of me that couldn’t afford an attack. And then you acted like there was no way you could be wrong and, yeah, David was right when he told you how fucked up I was afterwards.”

“Matteo, I am so fucking sorry for the way I reacted and the things I said,” Jonas said, looking intensely at Matteo as they walked. Matteo felt the eyes, and couldn’t help but turn his attention to his feet. “I know now that you are autistic and that it isn’t my place to try to quantify that. You are. I trust you. I believe you. I support you. I want to understand and I want to be there. I wish I could just automatically be the perfect ally for you, but I can’t.”

“And do you know why?” Matteo asked, nervously, brow furrowing. 

“What do you mean?” Jonas asked. 

“Do you realize that—” Matteo started, looking up as he talked slowly. “That you not being the perfect ally right off the bat comes from your, you know, place of privilege?” 

“Shit,” Jonas said, turning to look straight ahead. “I was going to say it’s my fucking ego and perfectionism, but that too.” 

“Ego and perfectionism?” Matteo asked. 

“This whole thing sort of made me realize how much I hate being wrong about stuff,” Jonas said gingerly. “Like, when you told me you were autistic, I think I was really upset that I hadn’t been the one to figure it out, and then when you got upset with me— which was totally warranted— I got mad because I thought I was doing everything right. Like, in my head, I was just trying to look out for you. But I didn’t do it right, because I got too caught up in my role in all this instead of thinking about you. And, yeah, you’re right. I have a lot of privilege, and like you said, we all grew up learning the same misconceptions.”

“Deadly combinations,” Matteo muttered, overwhelmed at the complexity of the problem at hand. 

“Yeah,” Jonas said, looking back to Matteo, trying hard to catch his eyes. “But I want to work on it. And I want to unlearn those misconceptions.”

Matteo just continued to stare down at his feet, but he lost focus on them as he tried to process through everything he was thinking and feeling. Somehow, this wasn’t going as planned. 

“Fuck,” Matteo said when he realized he had lost his balance and was tripping off the pavement into the grass beside the path. 

“Whoa, hey,” Jonas said, putting his arms up to spot Matteo has he stepped back onto the pavement. “Are you sure you don’t want to sit? There’s a bench right there,” Jonas said pointing up ahead.

“Yeah,” Matteo breathed out, his head spinning as he walked a few steps and took a seat on the wooden bench. He stared out at the lake in front of them and took a few calming deep breaths. “Jonas,” Matteo said shakily, composure partially regained and thoughts as collected as possible. “I’m not just going to sit here and help you unlearn your biases. It’s not my responsibility. Maybe one day I can, but right now, I only have the energy to focus on me”

“Oh, of course,” Jonas said, sitting down next to him on the bench. “What do you need from me?”

“Well,” Matteo said, recalling what he had prepared. “First of all, I need you to use identity-first language, because that’s what I feel comfortable with.”

“Okay,” Jonas said, but Matteo barely even heard him, continuing on just like he had hoped he would, strength coming back. 

“And I need you to come to me about this stuff from now on. No more talking to David without me knowing. Like, obviously, I want you guys to be friends and talk and whatever, but if you have questions or a problem with something, I want to be in that conversation, okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Jonas agreed when Matteo left room for an answer. 

“Good. And you can’t be pressuring me into seeing a professional, okay?” Matteo said. “I will go to a psychologist if I ever decide I want to or need to. But myself diagnosis is totally legit, and right now, it’s all I need.”

“Okay, totally valid,” Jonas said.

“And that means that, yeah, I don’t need to sit here and walk you through every single one of my traits or whatever. But I do want you to understand so, like, maybe I could send you some of the articles I really like and we could talk about them, or maybe just when stuff comes up in life, we can talk about it?”

“Yeah, I’d be down for that, either, even both,” Jonas said, nodding. 

“Okay, but, right now, can we talk about, just like two more things?” Matteo said, and Jonas nodded again so he continued. “So, I’m gay and I’m autistic. And so, my whole life, I have been dealing with both of those things. And they, like, play off each other.”

“Right, intersectionality,” Jonas said, casually. 

“Yes, of course, you know the fancy word for it,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes just a bit before focusing again. “But, yeah, so, like, it’s complicated and it’s messy and it was really hard to come to terms with being gay and being autistic as separate things because they aren’t separate things. And sometimes it feels like I can only be one or the other, but that just isn’t true. They are both a part of me and they are connected. And when I can see them for what they are, two connected parts of me, it makes it so much easier to understand and live with. And I just need you to understand that because last time, when you tried to separate those things, I had to go back through the process of coming to terms with being both of them and of understanding them as connected parts of myself. And I just don’t have the energy to be doing that all the damn time.”

“Okay, man, I’m sorry,” Jonas said. “I’ve seen so many TED talks about intersectionality, but I didn’t even think about it when we were talking. I’m really sorry.” 

“Thank you. And, the second thing?” Matteo said, and Jonas nodded. “So, you were 100% wrong about how the autism spectrum works. So, like, everyone thinks that the spectrum is like a line, right? There is the high function side and the low function side, and that means that maybe you can imagine a world where everyone's a little bit on the spectrum because you could argue that a lot of people are, like, high functioning. But that just isn’t the way it works. Because even if the spectrum was a line, there is a difference between being autistic and being a little socially awkward or not liking, I don’t know, the feel of cotton balls or whatever.

“Because autism is more than that,” Matteo continued. “It is a complex combination of symptoms and traits and characteristics that add up to make a person who’s brain functions in a fundamentally different way. It isn’t a line. It’s is like one of those big gradient color wheel thingies, with, like, every shade of every color. And every autistic person is somewhere different, with a different combination of symptoms and traits and strengths and weaknesses and ways that those things affect their lives. It’s complicated and it’s super personal and the stereotypes and ideas of autism that we grow up learning don’t do it justice. So, you have to understand that because if you don’t understand the autism spectrum, then there is no way you can understand me because I’m on it.”

“Wow, I had no idea,” Jonas said, sounding pretty blown away as he shook his head. “I can’t believe I had it so wrong. Thank you so much for explaining it to me.”

“No problem,” Matteo said out of breath, leaning back on the bench. 

“Is it though? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say so many words at once,” Jonas said. 

“Well, there’s actually a lot in my head all the time,” Matteo said, leaning back down to rest his arms on his knees, continuing slower and more effortful than before. “But, it takes a lot of time and energy to get the stuff out. And most of the time, I can’t, you know, do that. But, if I can just let my mind take over, I can say everything and just process through things out loud, and things go so much faster. Only, I usually don’t do that because people normally don’t give me the space to and even if they do, that doesn’t mean I feel, like, I guess, safe enough to.” 

“Interesting. Are you doing that now?” Jonas asked. 

“Kind of, but not really,” Matteo said. “I had most of that stuff memorized.” 

“Memorized? Whoa, like word for word?” Jonas asked, face showing interest and patience as Matteo searched for the best way to explain it. 

“No, it’s not like I’m learning lines for a play or something. Just over time when you think about it and think about it and talk about it and just go over it and over it because you are living it, you know? You get it memorized. And then you don’t have to work so hard to get the words out. Cause it’s right there.”

“That’s actually pretty cool,” Jonas said. “But, then, when do you do that thing you where you let your mind take over? Like only with certain people or at certain times?”

“I don’t know, it just sort of happens sometimes,” Matteo said, thinking. “I mean, it happens with people who really get me. So, honestly, it's mostly just when I am talking to David. I hardly ever plan the stuff I say to him.”

“That’s cool,” Jonas said. “So, things with David are still good, right?”

“Dude, why can’t you get it through your head that my autism diagnosis hasn’t changed my relationship with David?” Matteo asked, somehow laughing in frustration. By his count, this was the third time Jonas had inquired about this despite getting the same answer every time.

“I’m just making sure,” Jonas said, a little defensively. “Because, seriously, how can something this big not change things?”

Matteo leaned back against the bench and looked straight ahead, taking in the question, starting a thought process, and realizing that Jonas was on to something. 

“Okay, you know what, you’re right,” Matteo said, turning back to Jonas and opening his mind to him. “Our relationship has changed. But it hasn’t gotten worse. Like, he doesn’t love me less or think of me as a burden. He loves me more, or maybe it’s the same, he just understands it more now. And I understand my love for him better. It’s like, we have always loved each other and it was so powerful and intense from the start, but it was so overwhelming because we had no clue what was really going on between us. But, it’s like, when he came out me, things got better because we had more words to put to it. And things got stronger because he could express what he needed and wanted. And I could support him and be there for him. And I could understand him better and that made me understand more about why I loved him. The same thing happened when we figured out I’m autistic. He learned something more about me and it made him understand me better and it made him understand the love he had for me better and it made it possible for him to really support me in the way I needed. 

“But the difference was that I was also learning something about myself. So, this whole time that he’s been learning how to understand and put words to me, I’ve also been learning how to put words to myself and my experiences of all sorts of things like food and light and my body and my brain and the way I interact with people and the way I love. Like, this one piece of knowledge— that I’m autistic— opened up a whole new world for us. Now we have all these words we can use that make so much damn sense and so we communicate more. And I understand myself better so I communicate more and better. And he is speaking that language with me and it just works. 

“And like, when you go through something like this together, you get stronger. Like he is there in my darkest moments and I’m there for his, and once you’ve been there with someone, it just, you can’t undo that bond. And, I mean, putting that trust in someone to walk this path with you is so huge and from day one, David has been so willing to do that.

“And he doesn’t just love me despite all my autistic traits. He loves me because of them. Like for whatever reason, he sees me being an awkward dumbass eating the same weird-ass food every day and stimming with literally anything I can get my hands on and he just thinks to himself ‘that’s my motherfucking soulmate.’ But, then again, he doesn’t see me as weird or dumb. He sees me, like he just, he just sees something in me that I can’t even see in myself but I’m starting to because he makes it feel possible. Like that maybe I can love myself the way he loves me or something. I don’t know. I just know I wouldn’t be here without him and I am just so thankful that he is in my life and that he always will be no matter what happens. So, yeah, I guess things did change. But for the better. Yeah, better.”

It was silent for a minute. Matteo looked over to Jonas as if he hadn’t just poured his soul out to him, and waited for a response. 

“Holy shit,” Jonas finally said, stunned, looking out at the lake. “Have you told David all that?” he asked, turning back to Matteo, who looked down before they could make eye contact. 

“Not in words,” Matteo said, quiet and contemplative. “But he knows.”

“Still though, I bet that would be really nice to hear,” Jonas said, seriously, but then, he got back to being the mischievous best friend that Matteo needed. “Although, I guess you gotta save something for the wedding vows.”

“Shut up,” Matteo said, blush rising. He couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face when he thought about the future he and David had ahead of them.

“I better start prepping my best man speech!” Jonas joked, laughing, and Matteo couldn’t help laughing too, his smile growing as he thought about the future he also had with Jonas. 

And, of course, the first step in that long future of friendship was a few weeks of enthusiastic party planning, culminating in a night where Matteo could feel the love and support from Jonas, even despite the fact Jonas had taken it upon himself to man the food and drinks meaning that the two of them didn’t spend much time together that night. 

Matteo did, though, spend a lot of time with his other friends— the boys, the girls, Hans, Linn, even Laura—which started with greeting everyone at the door and chatting with them until they continued into the apartment when the next guest arrived. 

By the time Matteo had finished his first beer and discarded it on the entry table, the final two guests, Abdi and Carlos, had arrived, and so after the duo stopped by the kitchen for drinks, Matteo followed them into the apartment, talking with them as they stood in the living room by Matteo’s closed bedroom door. 

They had been there for quite a while before Matteo noticed something odd, and brought it up at when the conversation lulled. “Hey, Abdi, man, why are you holding two beers?” 

“Oh, well, I got this one for you,” Abdi said, a bit timidly, looking down at the open beer bottle in his left hand. “But then Carlos said you probably aren’t drinking anymore.” 

Matteo honestly didn’t know what to say to that, so he just looked to Carlos with what had to have been his most potent “what the fuck” face. 

Carlos looked a little embarrassed, as he stuttered out, “I just didn’t know if autistic people, like, drank.”

Matteo’s face softened a little as he let out a small laugh and reached for the beer. His friends were idiots, but they were harmless, considerate idiots.

“Autistic people can, like, do whatever they want,” he said, grabbing the beer. He went to take a sip, but instead, he sighed and brought the beer down when he saw Abdi and Carlos just looking at each other, confused. “Yes, I still drink. I’m already one beer in, was just thinking it was time to go get another.”

“So, autistic people drink?” Carlos asked. 

“Well, I do,” Matteo said, then finally took a sip as if to demonstrate his point. When he saw that Abdi and Carlos still looked lost, he realized he was going to have to break this down for them. “We are all different. I’m sure some don’t, but there is no reason for me not to. Just because I am autistic doesn’t mean I don’t want to party and have fun. It just means that my version of fun is a little quieter and darker, and maybe happens a little less often. But I am definitely not going to stop drinking or smoking for fun. So, thanks for the beer, man.”

“You’re welcome,” Abdi said, smiling again. 

The conversation continued on from there, Carlos going on about some home renovation project, but Matteo didn’t do much more than nod along. He was too preoccupied thinking about the things he would have said if he had been having that conversation about drinking and smoking with anyone other than Abdi and Carlos. He loved them like family, but for him, they just weren’t the friends you opened up to about your history of reckless substance use. Luckily, Matteo did have plenty of people in his life that he could have those conversations with. 

In fact, one of these people was sitting across the room on the couch, surrounded by her girls. And Matteo had talked to her about that very topic not too long ago. 

“I’m so glad you texted,” Hanna had said, setting down two cups of water and sliding into the booth across from Matteo, who was hunched over subconsciously spinning the table buzzer, waiting for her to come back from the drink counter. “I feel like we always do this, we say we should hang out more, but then we never really do. Until we do, and then we say that we miss each other and we should hang out more.” 

“Well, I guess we get busy with our boyfriends and stuff,” Matteo said, looking up at her, a little bit of mischievousness seeping into his tone, as it so often did when he was talking about Hanna’s love life. 

“Yeah, boyfriends and making big self-discoveries,” Hanna said eyeing him knowingly. 

“Oh, right,” Matteo said, sitting up and to the left of Hanna’s head. “That’s sort of one of the reasons I wanted to hang out today. Probably should have done this sooner, actually.”

“Yeah, I was sort of wondering if you were ever going to reach out,” Hanna said. “I mean, it would have been fine if you didn’t. But, you know, it has been, like two weeks since your post.”

“I know, I’m sorry, it's just been sort of a lot with David starting school and everything,” Matteo said. “And, honestly, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. You’re the one other person I would have told in person before posting on Instagram if I had planned it out.”

“So, it was a spur of the moment thing, posting it?” Hanna asked. 

“Yeah, not planned at all,” Matteo said. “None of this was, not really. Like, I had no idea that this would be the summer of autism.”

“Is that what you’re calling it?” Hanna asked, laughing a little. 

“No,” Matteo said. “But I might as well. I mean, it was like, we went on the road trip, which was super awesome, but then we got back and it was like a week later that I had this sensory overload attack thing, and then boom, David and I had the first conversation about it and there was just no looking back.” 

Matteo knew that the whole point of posting that selfie on Instagram was that we wouldn’t have to give big speeches anymore, but nonetheless, he found himself sitting there, telling Hanna the whole thing from panic attacks to googling symptoms to self-acceptance to coming out to people one by one to the Instagram post. He did have to get up halfway through to pick up their lunch from the food counter, and he did leave out a few details that were too personal to go beyond him and David, but for the most part, he sat there in that restaurant, letting the words flow out of him. 

There was something different about that time, though. It wasn’t his autism stump speech. He wasn’t coming out, he wasn’t explaining, he wasn’t correcting. He was just telling his story. And he was telling it to Hanna, who with every encouraging nod and soft glance and engaged laugh or concerned frown, pulled the words right out of him. He finally had a story to tell, he finally felt confident enough to tell it and Hanna was just the right person to listen. 

“Matteo, I am so, so happy for you,” Hanna said when Matteo finished. “Like, so incredibly proud of you and just so, so glad you have gotten here. I mean, look at you, you look so happy.”

“I am happy,” Matteo said, softly. “More happy than I ever thought I would be.”

“It shows,” Hanna said, pausing for a moment. “Can I be honest with you for a second?”

“Of course,” Matteo said. 

“We’ve known each other for a while now, and I’ve seen you struggling for so much of it, but I just couldn’t do anything about it,” Hanna said. “I was dealing with my own bullshit, and so were you, and we just missed each other, I feel like. But you’ve always been there, even when you weren’t actually there for me—”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that, by the way,” Matteo interrupted. “Like, I don’t know if I ever actually, like really, apologized for telling that girl, whatever her name was, about that guy, shit, I don’t remember their names. But it was really shitty of me to do that. I was just not in a good place back then, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t take the time to think and process through, and I fucked up. I’m really sorry, Hanna.”

“Oh, Matteo, it’s okay, that’s ancient history now,” Hanna said. “But thank you. I do really appreciate the apology. But I think I knew that the Matteo that did that wasn’t the real Matteo. He was hurting. And I was hurting too. I’m just so glad that we didn’t let all that hurt and drama keep us from being friends. Because I am so glad that you are still here and that you are getting better. Because there were definitely days I was worried about you and didn’t know how to help or what to do and you didn’t seem like you knew what to do either.”

“I didn’t. I didn’t know what was going on or what to do about any of it,” Matteo said, leaning his head back and looking to the ceiling. “It was all just so overwhelming and there were times that all I could do was lash out and do shitty things to the people I cared about, and other times all I could was just stay in, smoke and totally shut myself off from the world.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about that,” Hanna said. “That time I came over to the flatshare a few months ago and you weren’t doing well.”

“Yeah, turns out a lot of autistic people experience depression, and like, I guess they call them episodes, times like that,” Matteo said, looking back down at Hanna. “Like, I’m a really social guy, I really am. I love being around people, it is just so hard sometimes. It is easier to just stay in my room and smoke and not eat and then it just, once you slip down to that place—”

“It’s impossible to get back out,” Hanna sighed knowingly. 

“Yeah, or it at least feels that way. Like you are stuck in that spot and so it just keeps getting worse and it feels like nothing is ever going to change. Like all you can do is just try to make it more bearable”

“Bearable,” Hanna repeated. “You said that when we talked that day. That smoking made it more bearable.”

“Yeah, it did. Still sort of does, if I am being honest,” Matteo said. He sighed and looked around a bit before leaning towards Hanna and continuing. “I wanted to get lunch today because I wanted to talk to you about the autism stuff, but also because I could feel myself slipping again. David started film school, like a week and a half ago, and I miss him like crazy. And yeah, I still see him, but it is also, like, just being around people that I miss, you know? I mean, I do still see him, and sure, I talk to my flatmates. But they have work and he has school, so all day it’s just me in the flatshare. All alone with nothing to do. And at first, it was sort of nice, but then it got boring and restless, but then it started feeling really dark and helpless and lonely. And, like, yesterday I knew David and I weren’t hanging out after his classes, and so I just got so fucking high, like higher than I’ve gotten in a long time. And I when I got up this morning and went to roll another joint, I realized what was happening, and I was like ‘shit, I can’t do this again.’ So, I texted you.”

“That’s so good, Matteo,” Hanna said, leaning on the table. “See, you are growing and learning. Really getting better.”

“I never thought it was possible,” Matteo said. “I always knew there was something that was sending me to that place, but now that I know what it is, I feel like I can actually do something about it.”

“You can do something, and you are doing something,” Hanna said and sat back in her chair. “Gah, I am just so happy for you. You are happy and confident and you are working on dealing with things and getting better. I am just so happy for you. God, I can’t stop saying that. I just want to hug you.”

“And you can! I actually love hugs!” Matteo said cheerfully, sitting up straight and smiling, as Hanna also giggled and smiled. 

Hanna didn’t hug him in that moment— they were still finishing up their food— but she did when they left the restaurant after staying there and chatting for hours. 

And she gave him another hug that night of Matteo’s party when he finished talking with Abdi and Carlos, and went over to join the girls as they discussed Kiki’s first week of university in the living room, Sam and Mia on the sectional, Hanna and Matteo on the new couch and Kiki in the wicker chair in the between them all. 

Matteo had been sitting with them for a while but hadn’t said much, despite wanting to be a part of the moment so desperately. His social anxieties so often left him as just a bystander, and he was tired of it. He had something he wanted to say so he pushed away the force within him that told him to say silent, and when there was a moment to jump in, he added his voice to the conversation.

“So, Kiki,” Matteo started, and all the girls turned to him, but he just kept looking down. “Does your psychology program cover autism?” 

“Umm,” Kiki said. Matteo peered up just enough to see that she looked a little surprised, probably by him bringing up autism, but he hoped he was also picking up on some genuine thinking on her face. “I’m not actually sure,” she said, calmly. “But it probably does. My classes are pretty introductory right now, but I am sure it will come at some point.”

“That’s cool,” Matteo said, nodding. He wanted to say more, but he didn’t have time to figure it out what he could say next before Sam piped up and shifted the conversation. 

“Oh, Matteo, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Sam said. Matteo turned to look at her, and she had that look of restrained enthusiasm that he had gotten used to seeing from her. “My younger cousin, Andre, is autistic, and he and his parents have had great success with a gluten-free diet,” she said, punctuating her words with semi-dramatic hand motions. 

“Sam!” Mia said a little hushed, her eyes wide as she lightly elbowed Sam. 

“What?” Sam asked, turning to Mia. “I thought he might want to try it!”

“You can’t just give people unsolicited advice like that, though,” Mia said.

“It’s fine, really,” Matteo said, smiling. He knew Mia was right, but it was actually sort of sweet that Sam was trying to help, even if he had no intentions of going gluten-free. “I’m glad it is working for your cousin, but I think bread and pasta actually make things better for me.”

“Really? That’s so interesting,” Mia said and she sounded genuinely curious. Matteo didn’t really feel like it getting too explanatory, though, and thankfully, Hanna seemed to pick up on that. 

“Yeah, this one” Hanna said, leaning into Matteo and putting her arm around him in a friendly side hug. “has been obsessed with carbs for as long as I can remember.”

“What can I say?” Matteo started, reciprocating the side hug. “Carbs are the base of all the best meals.”

“You’re not wrong,” Kiki said shaking her head and going to take a sip of her drink. “Thank god most bread is vegan.”

“Loving bread really is a personality trait,” Sam said, already giggling, which quickly spread through to all of them, until they were laughing their asses off at their mutual love of bread. 

It wasn’t even that funny, but Matteo was laughing more out of happiness than out of humor. There was something special about that moment, something that soothed his soul and reminded him that he was on the right path. So, Matteo laughed and smiled and contributed as the conversation flowed on naturally.

“So, Matteo,” Kiki started, looking over to him.

“Yeah?” He said, not even realizing that he was basically making eye contact with her. 

“I know you said no gifts,” she said, casually, but all the other girls seemed to tense up, looking at Kiki with wide eyes and nervous glances that could have turned into frantic shushes if Kiki hadn’t continued with “But I was just wondering, did David at least get you something?”

Matteo would have put more thought into the girls’ strange freakout, which seemed quelled by the completion of Kiki’s question, but Matteo was too focused on the butterflies rising in his stomach and heart at the mention of David’s gift. 

David had come over a few hours before the party was scheduled to start to help Matteo and Hans set up, which had been Matteo’s main focus. He wanted everything to be perfect, so when David had poked his head into the kitchen to steal Matteo away from sandwich prep with Hans, he had been hesitant. But all it took was David saying his name in that signature David tone for Matteo to abandon the sandwich in front of him and let David grab his hand and lead him to his bedroom. 

“Sit,” David had said letting go of Matteo’s hand, and pointing him to the bed with one hand while he closed the door with the other. 

Matteo followed David’s direction, shifting to sit cross-legged facing the windows as David went over to the armchair and grabbed a rather large envelope from his bag. 

David came over to the bed, and sat mirroring Matteo, their knees pressed together. “Happy birthday,” he said, voice light with a mix of excitement and affection as he offered the envelope to Matteo. 

“David, you already got me a gift, remember,” Matteo said, his chest already getting that loved up flip-floppy feeling. 

“Nonsense,” David said, leaning in and pushing the envelope closer. “Plus, this didn’t cost me anything, not really.”

“Okay,” Matteo said. He was trying hard to sound reluctant but he figured he sounded more touched than anything. Even if he was managing to sound reluctant, he knew David could see right through it. 

He opened the envelope, trying to be careful, but failing to pry it open without ripping the top a little bit. Luckily the tear didn’t reach the familiar boldly drawn “Matteo” on the front. 

Inside was a thick piece of card stock, the kind he knew David only used for serious art projects. That’s when it hit him. David had drawn him something.

When he was finally able to remove the paper all the way, he realized that David hadn’t just drawn him something. He had drawn him. 

There was Matteo, his face sketched in black and white just like the first few pieces of David’s art that Matteo had seen, the ones that laid as the backdrop to their days of falling in love. 

But the rest of the page was filled with the marker of the days that came after. Color. Brilliant color. 

Swirling around Matteo’s head where bright colorful drawings of all sorts of things, each with more meaning than the next. 

Somethings were intrinsically Matteo. His samefoods, his phone displaying memes he recognized from old Mondays and Fridays. His favorite jacket, his tree shirt, his grandpa sweater. His bed, his weighted blanket, his blackout curtains, the pillow he gravitated to during panic attacks. His shitty old headphones, that feather thing he loved to stim with. Even a rainbow flag and infinity sign, articles pulled up on Google and his Instagram post.

Somethings screamed David and the journey they had been on together. A beanie, a nose ring, a vampire clad in the trans pride colors. David’s graffitied front door, his sketchbook, the bird with the broken wing, a neon butterfly. A car, a bus, a train, two bikes, all heading to Detroit. Pool dividers, lungs surrounded by water but filled with air, the good luck charm. Shakshuka and the river and confetti and lips kissing and hands holding and foreheads pressed together. 

Somethings represented the other people in Matteo’s life. A cross for his mother, an outline of Italy for his father, a crown for Amira, a guitar for Jonas, hugging arms around the sun for Hanna, a rainbow butterfly for Hans, ping pong and beer for the boys and Abi Chaker Clan sweatshirts for the whole crew. 

There were dates written in beautiful script. March 15, the day Matteo and David met. April 5, their first kiss. May 10, their love confessions. May 11, their first time. June 15-26, their road trip. August 7, Matteo’s autism anniversary. September 10, the day he told the world. 

And there were words, too. Nicknames— Luigi, Mr. Florenzi, Vollidiot. Little words and phrases that Matteo said all the time— or whatever, like, I don’t know, na. Even quotes, some that Matteo remembered saying, others that he knew David must have remembered— “I also want to do things like blackout curtains”...“But I think that I want to”...“So, you really don’t mind having an autistic boyfriend?”...“I wouldn't go in there”...“I’m here now.” 

Each item, each moment, each memory, worked together, blending into each other, showing up in odd places, in odd orders, in connections that only made sense to Matteo and the people that he let in enough to understand how his brain worked. He knew that this piece of art would be foreign to most. But it wasn’t foreign to him, not anymore. Every line, every color, every last detail made sense. It was his brain. It was his thoughts. It was his way of processing. It was his neurodivergence. It was him. 

And David had drawn it. He had captured Matteo perfectly.

They didn’t need words in that moment on because the art said it all.

David saw Matteo. David understood Matteo. And David loved what he saw and what he understood, which meant he loved Matteo. He loved Matteo so goddamn much that all he could do was reach into his soul and try to express it through his art. 

And all Matteo could do was carefully place the portrait on the bed beside him, and lunge forward to capture David in a hug. They were in an awkward position, sitting across from each other cross-legged, but they leaned into each other and somehow found a way to make it work. It was what they did best, after all.

Matteo could remain wordless in that moment with David, but he wasn’t in that moment with David, not anymore, not in real life. In real life, he did need to say something because he was on the couch with the girls, who were all staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to answer to Kiki’s question. 

“Um, yeah,” Matteo said finally, looking down at his lap and blushing. “Yeah, he did.” 

“And speaking of,” Hanna said, nudging Matteo. When he looked up, he saw David walking towards him and the girls. He immediately sat up straighter and found himself smiling lovingly as he watched David come to a stop in the middle of the rug. 

“Look who wanted to say hi, all the way from Australia,” David said, turning his phone around to reveal Amira on video chat. 

“Amira!” Mia and Sam called out in near unison, getting up from the sectional to get closer to the phone.

“Oh, yay, Amira, we wish you could be here!” Kiki said as she and Hanna both stood as well. 

“Yeah, we miss you!” Hanna said, pouting to the phone.

“I miss you all, too,” Amira said. “But, Matteo, get over here, I woke up at five o’clock for you, Vollidiot.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Matteo said, pushing himself off the couch. He was planning to get up, he just didn't want to get caught in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the girls. “Satisfied?” Matteo asked, standing next to Hanna, head barely all the way in frame. David was a few feet away holding the phone for them all, but his other hand was free by his side, so Matteo reached out to grab it. He just couldn’t be this close without some kind of contact, especially not after thinking about their private moment from earlier. 

“Yes, yes I am,” Amira said. “Happy birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Matteo said. “Thanks for calling.”

“No problem, so how’s the party?” she asked. 

“How’s the party, how’s Australia?!” Sam asked. “Still loving it two weeks in?”

They all chatted for a bit, Amira appeasing everyone's requests to hear more about Australia, and the girls all appeasing Amira request to hear a little of what they were up to. It wasn’t too long, though, before David squeezed Matteo’s hand, turned the phone back around and took control. 

“Well, I’d love to tell you about film school, Amira, but I think it is about time we refresh the drinks around here,” David said, then he looked up over the phone to the girls. “Why don’t you all come to the kitchen with me?” There was a resounding chorus of “yes”s, with Kiki’s announcement that she was going to check in with Carlos thrown in, before David turned to Matteo, handed him the phone in exchange for his empty beer bottle. “Here, babe, I’ll get you a water.”

“Thank you,” Matteo mumbled, taking the phone, knowing this trip to the kitchen had less to do with drinks and more to do with allowing Matteo and Amira some time to talk. David just nodded before turning to leave with the girls. 

“You never call me,” Amira said, her voice from the phone pulling Matteo’s attention back to Amira, who was looking at him with some kind of friendly disappointment. 

“I'm sorry. The time different just keeps fucking me over,” Matteo said, a bit exasperated as he clumsily walked over to the new couch. He hopped up to sit on the arm, leaning against the wall it was pushed up against and bringing his feet up to rest on the seat. “But we are talking now,” he said gesturing between himself and the phone. 

“Yeah, it’s fine, I get it,” Amira said. “I just want to know how things are going. We haven’t even really talked about your conversation with Jonas and I was still in Berlin when that happened.”

“Well, I’m not the one that was preoccupied with packing and settling things with Mohammed,” Matteo said, provoking Amira a little. For as much as she wanted to talk about Matteo’s life, she was always unnecessarily stingy when it came to her own stuff. He knew that someday she would get used to it having people that cared about her. He had, mostly, at least. 

“Totally irrelevant,” Amira said smoothly. “How are things with Jonas?”

“They’re great,” Matteo said, pushing his head back into the wall. “We went to the park, he apologized, I talked, he listened. I mean, I had a lot to say, but now it's all good.”

“So, he’s been actually supportive since then?”

“Yeah, he’s been doing all the stuff I asked him to do. He asks me questions when he has them, and I sent him a few articles. But for the most part, things are just chill. Like, I don’t know, it’s just not a big deal anymore. Honestly, we’re closer than ever.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear,” Amira said. “I didn’t want to have to unleash my wrath on Jonas.”

“Amira,” Matteo said, not sure if they were to the point where they could joke about that sort of thing. He appreciated the energy, but he didn’t want Amira falling back into bad coping mechanisms. She and Matteo had both grown too much to do that. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding I wouldn’t have done anything stupid,” Amira said, then she looked down before continuing, her voice smaller. “But I would have helped you deal with the situation, if you wanted me to.”

“I know you would have, thanks,” Matteo said, smiling. “Between you and David, and even Hans, and now Jonas too, I have a pretty good team on my side.”

“For sure,” Amira asked, looking back at him and returning the smile, before changing the topic. “So, what are you up to these days? I’m sure it’s an adjustment having David in school.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Matteo said, signing and running his hand through his hair. “I’m mostly just, I don’t know, like, shit— I’m trying to think of things that I’m doing that don’t count as fighting a depressive episode. But I promise I’m okay,” he added frantically at the end.

“Okay, explain that to me,” Amira said, dubious. 

“Like, I’m finding ways to fill my time so I don’t just fall into that hole,” Matteo said, leaning forward away from the wall. “Like, I printed off a whole bunch of different kinds of pasta recipes that I am working my way through, and I downloaded an audiobook to my phone so I can, like, go on a walk or something and actually be reading at the same time. And I am trying to hang out with people whenever they are free and I planned this party. I even did my own laundry a few days ago.”

“That sounds pretty great, actually,” Amira said, not at all trying to the surprise on her face. “I’m impressed.”

“Yeah, I’ve even been, like, researching things I could do, like, long term. You know, future options,” Matteo said. He was so focused on trying to gather the courage to admit what he had been researching that he didn’t notice David approaching the couch, water bottle in hand. “Like, maybe, I don’t know, I’ve been sort of thinking that maybe university isn’t totally out of the question and I might actually like to go, maybe?”

“Wait,” David said, smiling, when he reached the couch and Matteo looked over to him, a bit thrown off, but not upset by his sudden presence. “You tell Amira that you want to go to university before you tell me?” David asked, sounding more pleasantly surprised than actually offended. 

“I didn’t say I wanted to go to university. I said I’m thinking about thinking about it,” Matteo corrected, scooting over on the arm of the couch as David joined him there. “And I was going to tell you, I’m just processing, sorry.”

“Thanks, but no worries, it’s fine,” David said, putting his arm around Matteo, and pulling him closer. “Actually, it’s great.”

“Is it? You don’t think it’s crazy?” Matteo asked, making comfortable eye contact with David. 

“No, of course not!” David said quickly. Matteo could have felt the support from a mile away, but he was glad he was right next to David as he assured him that no, it wasn’t a crazy idea because Matteo was capable of so much more than he had been conditioned to believe. 

“Where is this coming from though?” Amira asked, and Matteo turned back to look at her. “Not that it’s a bad idea, but you do know that you don’t have to go to university just because most people do, right?

“Oh, yeah,” David said, bring his other hand, the one that was holding the water bottle, to Matteo’s chest. “Obviously I don’t want you to feel any kind of pressure—” 

“No, it’s not that,” Matteo said, taking the water bottle from David and looking down at it as he repositioned it in his hand. He looked back up to the phone in his other hand, seeing Amira there listening intently as he felt David’s firm, comforting hand now flat on his chest. “I just, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I don’t know, I guess things just feel pretty possible right now.”

“Oh, Matteo,” Amira said affectionately as David leaned in to kiss Matteo’s check. “I wish I could be there tonight and for all this amazing stuff in your life. But,” Amira continued, shifting towards her typical light-hearted banter. “I know Klugscheißer here has it covered, and is going to make sure you get the time zone thing figured out and call me more.”

“Wait, Klugscheißer?” David asked, eyebrows raised and smiling. 

“I don’t go back on my promises,” Amira said, holding back laughter, and smiling proudly. 

It took Matteo a second to comprehend the moment David and Amira were clearly having, but he soon as he did, he did not hesitate to burst into that moment.

“Oh my god, that is too fucking perfect, he really is a smartass,” Matteo called out excitedly, looking back and forth between Amira and David, who was shaking his head and biting his lip. 

“Shut up, dumbass,” David said, sliding his hand up Matteo’s chest until he reached the arm he had around Matteo’s shoulders, pulling Matteo into his own chest, and practically attacking Matteo with more cheek kisses. Matteo blushed and dropped the water bottle, reaching up to hold onto David’s arm around his neck. He knew that if he wasn’t with Amira on video chat in the middle of his birthday party, this moment wouldn’t have been so family-friendly, not that David ambushing Matteo like that didn’t warrant a shocked but not surprised chuckle from Amira. 

“Alright, everyone! Can everyone come into the living room?” Jonas called out authoritatively, voice echoing kindly through the apartment as he walked into the living room followed by those who had been in the kitchen with him. “Oh, come on, boys, you can save that for after the party,” Jonas teased harmlessly when he saw the state they were in. 

“Yeah, and who said you could put your shoes on our new couch?” Hans asked, right behind Jonas. 

“Fuck,” Matteo muttered as he and David turned to look at the growing crowd. Matteo was frankly not sure whether he was more embarrassed by the chastisement from Jonas or from Hans. 

David let go of Matteo and slide off the arm of the couch. Matteo put out his hand, and David grabbed it, helping Matteo get back to his feet. Jonas came over and stood next to them, as they settled, standing in front of the couch with David’s arm around Matteo again. He knew David couldn’t help himself, and he was so thankful for that. 

“Um, Matteo?” Amira said from the phone, which Matteo was absentmindedly holding by his side. 

“Oh shit, sorry,” Matteo said, raising the phone again. “Here, can someone take Amira?” he asked, and Sam stepped forward to grab her before falling back into the circle of friends that had formed in the living room. 

“So, I wanted to do this now before anyone got too drunk—” Jonas started. 

Matteo wanted to interject to ask what exactly they were doing, but Hanna bet him to it. “Or maybe,” Hanna said from across the circle. “No one will get too drunk since this is a pretty classy party.”

“How classy can a party with a platter of whip cream sandwiches really be?” Abdi asked, disgusted as he looked inside the sandwich he was holding as he stood next to David. 

Even before Abdi finished complaining, David looked to Matteo, and just from his eyes, he could read his desire to defend Matteo and his sandwich. Feeling comfortable with it, Matteo grinned and gave David a shrug of permission. 

So, with his non-Matteo arm, David gave Abdi a gentle yet substantial punch in the shoulder, which caused Abdi to let out a distressed “Hey!” as he dropped the sandwich on the floor. Everyone laughed, poking fun at Abdi who eventually joined in himself before Jonas regained control of the conversation. 

“Yes, yes, we all know that Abdi is a klutz and that David will murder you if you mess with Matteo, so can we get back to celebrating the man of the hour,” Jonas said, turning to Matteo and taking a deep breath as everyone fell silent. “Matteo, it’s no secret that this has been a big year for you. It’s been a journey, to say the least. You came to terms with your sexuality, came out, found the love of your life and brought David into our crew. You discovered that you are autistic and came to terms with that and come out again, sharing your truth with all of us, even when it was hard, especially when it was hard.” Jonas paused, sending Matteo an apologetic and proud expression, before diving back in with a lighter tone. “Not to mention, moving out, finishing school and being crowded Abiball king. That’s a lot for one year. And on one hand,” he continued, serious again. “I hope that the year ahead is a calmer, but on the other hand, I don’t. I wish you another great year of self-discovery and growth and learning to love yourself. Because, Luigi, you truly are a fantastic person and friend and boyfriend. You deserve all the love in this room. So, here’s to you! I love you, man.” 

Everyone cheered, raising their glasses. Drinkless and still in David’s arms, Matteo just put his hand up for a fist bump, which Jonas gladly reciprocated. 

“Thanks, man, I love you, too,” Matteo said as he brought his hand down and looked away like the toast was over. 

“But hey, hey, I’m not done,” Jonas said, and Matteo looked back to him, even more confused than before. “Like I said, everyone in this room loves you and supports you. And we wanted to do something to show you that. So,” he said, reaching down to grab a medium-sized gift bag from the bookshelf behind him. “Happy birthday, from all of us.”

“What?” Matteo asked, looking between Jonas and the bag he was handing him.

“Just take it, man,” Jonas insisted, so Matteo did, actually reluctant time. A surprise gift from David was one thing, but he didn’t know how to feel about this. As he slowly pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and peered inside to see a slick box, Jonas said, “We all pitched in. Every one of us.” 

Matteo was speechless as he pulled the box out of the bag, letting the empty bag fall to the floor. 

Noise-canceling headphones. It was a pair of brand new noise-canceling headphones. They had all come together to buy Matteo a pair of brand new, no doubt expensive noise-canceling headphones. 

“Holy shit, you guys,” Matteo said breathlessly, still staring down at the box in his hands. He didn’t even know what to think. He had been praying for the day he would be able to convince himself that it worth spending so much money on headphones or even the day he would feel comfortable enough to mention his wish to anyone other than David. He never thought in a million years that this would be how he would finally end up getting what he knew in his gut would unlock so much contentment, safety, and happiness for his future. “Wait,” he said when a comprehensible thought finally hit him. He turned to look at David who was already staring at him fondly. “How? Did you—”

“There might have been one tiny part of the conversation I had with Jonas that I didn’t tell you about,” David said, and Matteo just fell into him, his face pressing into the crock of David’s neck. 

“Thank you, I love you,” he whispered into him. 

“I love you, too,” David said quietly, running a hand through the back of Matteo’s hair. “But, I didn’t do this on my own.” 

Matteo slowly lifted his head, and looked around the room— Abdi and Sam smiling big while she held a beaming Amira, Kiki wrapped in Carlos’s arms as they both wore a content disposition, Hanna and Mia leaning into each other as they looked at Matteo with glistening eyes, Hans, Linn and Laura gazing at him like proud parents and Jonas standing by his side bursting with pure admiration. 

“Thank you, guys, seriously, so much,” Matteo said. “I don’t even know what to say, this just, it means, like, so fucking much. All of this. Just, fuck, I love you guys.” 

Matteo couldn’t distinguish whose voice was whose, but there was a chorus of “we love you too” and “you’re welcome” and “of course” and “we’re proud of you” and “it's our pleasure” and "no, thank you for letting us in.” Well, he could tell that one was from Jonas, but beyond that, his head was gone to wherever it when he was just too overwhelmed to be present. But this time, it was a good overwhelmed and he could actually tell what he was feeling. 

He was feeling a lot of things— happy, loved, understood— but there was one emotion that was tying everything together. 

Vindicated. 

All that he had been through these past few months, this past year, his whole life. All the misunderstandings and misjudgments. All the isolation and fear. All the panic and pain. All the confusion and disconnection. The suppression and fighting. The conforming and masking. The exhaustion and missed moments. The searching and reconciling. The explaining and advocating. The learning and educating. The adapting and growing. The courage and vulnerability. 

It was all worth it.

He had fought his way to this moment— standing in the middle of the sensory-friendly birthday party he had planned with the help of his boyfriend and his lifelong best friend, the same people who had brought together everyone Matteo loved to get him a gift that showed just how much they all understood and cared about supporting Matteo.

The journey wasn’t over, it never really would be. There would be more uphill battles and mountains to climb. Matteo knew that. For better, for worse, this was his life, and he was proud of it and himself. 

But it wasn’t just him. He had a group of amazing people around him that were proud of him too. People that loved him. People that showed him he was worth loving. 

And for the first time, Matteo could see it.

He could see the person that David saw, that boy from David’s drawing, with the beautiful brain that was so deserving of love and so capable of anything he set his mind to. That was him. That was truly him. And he loved that boy in the drawing. 

“Hey, you okay?” David asked, and Matteo looked up from the box in his hands, realizing that everyone had dispersed back to the party. Except for David who was still holding him tightly. “Feeling okay?” 

“Yeah, I feel,” Matteo said, pausing to think for a moment before finishing. “Good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!! :)
> 
> Inspiration for David’s Drawing and photos of the area of Görlitzer Park Matteo and Jonas are in: https://gleedegrassi-bigfan.tumblr.com/post/187439961289/what-is-it-exactly-part-6
> 
> So, is the last part I had planned for now, but that doesn’t mean I am necessarily done writing in this verse. I love autistic Matteo so much, and as the narration says, this isn’t really the end for Matteo and there will always be more stories to tell. I do actually have some ideas of what would come next in this series, but I am going back to school for the fall semester, and really need to focus on that for the time being. I’m not sure when I’ll come back to this, and to be truthful, there is always a chance that I won’t end up writing more. I think I have wrapped up this section of stories in a way that is still satisfying even if there is no more, but yet leaves the door open. When/If I reopen that door, I hope you’ll be there with me! 
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and these stories, and for going on this journey with me. It has been so much fun and so life-giving to write these stories. Thank you for everything. <3
> 
> I’ll see you when I see you! :)
> 
> (Also, I am always available at my Tumblr, gleedegrassi-bigfan, if you ever want to chat or need anything!)


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